Do not be flummoxed
by the blank stare you usually find
plastered on this passive face.
You’ve always known
that silent waters run deep,
that emotions do run high
despite the nonchalance I keep.
You’ve seen firsthand
how the cold and calm demeanor
masks away the panic
and the restlessness and the pain,
masks them so effortlessly
it seems feelings are held in disdain.
Do not be surprised or wary of the silence
hovering around this impenetrable shell.
You’ve always known that quiet
doesn’t mean that the mind is not working;
Do not be afraid of the lack of words
or the lack of affectionate gestures;
You’ve always known, I know you do,
it doesn’t mean that this heart is not beating.

Hold me still, hold me still,
I can’t seem to stop moving.
The clock’s tick-tocking me away
when all I’ve ever wanted is to stay.

Never restless yet never really at rest,
always so careful but fumbling at best;
so stubborn but so weak a will,
this lack of control is such a bitter pill.

Hold me still, hold me still,
time doesn’t wait, it just moves quickly.
Hold on to me, keep me until
I can’t stop drifting away inevitably.

Until then I’m here as you will,
until then just hold me still.

Clouds hover ominously above
and yet walking head on
and ignoring the incessant warnings
looks like the only plausible option.

The mouth opens as if to shout
let out the pain, drain out the agony
and yet the voice exists not
no way to escape this melancholy.

What is it clouding the eyes?
Seeing becomes harder as everything is blurry.
They aren’t rainwater, the skies have yet to pour
but they’ve fallen since walking out that door.

Where did the emptiness come from?
Currently at the bottom, possibly drop down further?
Nursing a void nothing seems to fill
no desire to climb up and no wish either.

Pull this useless abomination out, help her climb,
as the pit houses almost all her demons.
Pray before the numbing loneliness takes over,
pray that she’ll come back from yonder.

the path looked rather ominous
yet my feet dragged me to it.
i walked straight though aimlessly
beckoned by the strangeness,
fueled by my melancholy.

i remember it as if it was yesterday
my heart leapt out against my wishes
my head floated through the clouds
my resolve unwillingly unraveled
when i first felt this way.

my defenses completely gave way
one by one systematically disintegrated.
reason couldn’t find what the cause
until upon me was a flush beet red
you must’ve caused the blood to rush to my head.

though it was the biggest singular fear
what has been sworn not to do nor feel,
the heart ignored the conniving mind
and the heart claimed to be sovereign…

the once cold, unfeeling heart
bursting with emotions long ago unimaginable
claiming to know all the answers
erasing even the most formidable fears.

hence i let my feet drag me to it
facing the unknown with my head up high,
my eyes looking straight ahead
to what seemed like an ominous path.

cracking through the thick shells
protective defenses notwithstanding
letting the warmth of uncertainty washing through
finally letting myself feel alive
finally letting myself feel real.

A tear it would bring
An afternoon to sulk through
A stab of pain deep inside
What more can torture do?

Overwhelming sadness
Tired of the mind and of the body
Exhaustion flows through me
How cruel can life ever be?

Endless comfort
An evening to smile through
Undying love and support
What cure can ever outdo you?

Whispers of I love you’s
Hugs to soothe my battered soul
Not a stab of pain but of gladness
What cure can there be other than you?

– Circa 2002

sunrises…
…they do signal the start
of a fresh new day,
a new beginning,
a new hope.

that is, if you’re not
penultimately jaded like me.

see, the harsh glare of the early
morning sun brings
not gladness, but desperation.
not hope, but sheer and
unadulterated dread.

because you see,
at least the night
cloaks my tears and
offers me solace
in my melancholy.

at least the darkness
comforts me, telling me
that there is absolutely
no need to face anybody.

and then comes the sun,
oh the cruel scorching sun…
it threatens to expose
my sins, my fears, my shortcomings.
it sheds light upon the
harsh reality that waits for me,
day after day after day.

moreover it flashes upon me
the ironically cold truth —
that after the night
protected me from facing
that bitter truth —

— it will all come down to this.
it will mean losing you.
it will mean that it’s true
after all…

not some horrendous nightmare
that shook the core of my being.

yes, that same sunshine that brings
smiles to other people —
that same sunshine — it signals
the truth that i’ve really
lost you and you’re not coming back.

and yet i will still be here,
left behind, bitter, cold and broken.
i will still be here
praying for night to come cloak me with
its darkness once more.

so i can hide the tears
and the whimpers and the endless
heartwrenching sobs that fail to escape
my worn-out throat.

but then again, morning always comes,
oh how i wish it never does,
how i really wish it never does.

11:19 PM 1/10/2006

see the expanse of life around you dissipate
see the ground you’re walking on crumble down
see the oblivion before your feet stretch out endlessly

see how a mirror reflects the truth
see the image in front of you and realize to
see that it’s not you anymore

see how your world crumbles
see how you slowly fall apart
see how painful everything really is –

– painful?

painful, hurtful indeed, but
see how it had made you numb.

gut-wrenching, life-turning, mind-numbing,
but still it had made you numb.

originally posted in my tabulas on june 4 2005