fear of rejection, my old friend,
we haven’t seen each other
for quite a while now.
it’s been a few years eh?
but why does it feel like
it’s been forever?
and why, my life with you,
why can’t i remember?

and now you’re back,
indeed you’re back and with a vengeance,
ready to strike, ready to pounce,
oh bloody hell, why don’t you?
why don’t you just strike me now?

coz you see i haven’t woken
from this hopeful trance
that’s threatening to dissolve
whatever minute semblance
of sanity i currently hold.

fear of rejection, why can’t you just
cancel the blasted stubborness
of this hopeful, woeful heart
that still believes?
why can’t you just extinguish
the hope for a love that had
suddenly turned unrequited?

fear of rejection, you do threaten
to come back to me, so why don’t you?
snuff out the embers and
let the cold winds blow.
come be with me,
at least i know you’ll never let me go.

i know you’ll never let me go.

i’ve walked, i’ve ran, i’ve crawled
through this long and winding road,
believing that i am not alone,
i have company, i am not alone…

a cruel yet masterful mirage it was,
like a truly realistic hologram
destined to blind me away from reality,
made to lead me away subtly…

i’ve been living in that dream,
and what a dream it was.
it felt so real, it felt so real,
it’s almost so that it now seems surreal.

and now i’m blatantly taken out of my stupor,
time to wake up, it’s just a dream.
violently torn apart despite the stubborn clinging,
taken away from that incessant dreaming.

and suddenly everything’s just a blur,
a figment of the imagination conjured
by the longing caused by a battered heart,
oh, curse that battered and wounded heart.

and so i continue to walk, and run, and crawl,
and i wonder how much more til i drop
and i wonder how much longer til i can stop
and give up and just fall apart into nothingness.

i’m still going through the long and winding road,
through the mess discarded from the cruel dream,
to realize i’ve always been alone…
there was no one with me, i’ve always been alone.

yes, i’ve always been alone.

the vigils i’ve kept by your door
may only be silent prayers
to keep you here, make you stay here.
for you never know
and most probably i don’t too,
and nobody really does anyway
because the weavings of fate are complex
that prediction would prove useless.
and grasping your presence
likens to holding water in one’s hand,
it’s all pretty logical, realistic,
but still i refuse to believe.
because you see, i’ve become a dreamer,
one that i had scorned not too long ago,
hoping against hope my prayers be heard
when the air around me keeps screaming “no!”…
but i don’t know, i don’t know…
and you and anybody can’t really say
if my silent pleadings make their way to you,
if illogically, unrealistically you will stay.

the darkness blankets the air
and all i catch is a snippet of you
and somehow, for silly ole me,
that is quite enough, that is quite enough.

how much longer can she keep that smile
pasted on that forlorn face?
how much longer can she keep standing
when the ground beneath her keeps crumbling?

how many more jokes can she laugh at now
when she’s nothing more but a hollow shell?
how much longer can she keep smiling?
how much longer can she keep pretending?

how deep a cut can she take?
how low a feeling can she deal?
how much longer can she hold on?

how much more, how much more –
til she resigns and gives it all up?
how much deeper the pit
that she can manage to dwell in…

how much deeper, how much harder
til she lets everything go.

how much more…