i’ve always feared
looking straight into your eyes.
it makes me stand at the edge,
my nerves will betray any lies.

all my life i’ve built my walls
around me to keep dangers at bay.
then you came bounding down the halls,
looked straight, unaware much that day…

looked straight ignoring the shields
and looked determined to stay.

and my defenses crashed,
the impenetrable shell cracked,
the steely resolve came undone,
the protection, the security, all gone.

i feel naked under your stare,
no pockets to hide, nary a spare;
no cover against the biting cold
nothing else but do as i’m told.

i pray you do not use this against me
for you hold sway my heart
in the palm of you hand.
just one look through me
wrapped around your finger i’ll be.

i’ve always been wary
of letting myself be under your scrutiny.
but you’ve cast a spell upon me,
enmeshed in that spell i remain…

…wholeheartedly.

she opens her eyes with much ado.
she hates the coming of another morning,
the sun is up, another day starts anew,
time again to join the world of the living.

she stands there by the curb,
random people pass her by.
completely apathetically disconnected
and yet she never even bothered why.

she tries to lend her ears to the sound
that resonates not for her to hear.
tries so hard but fails to connect
she and this world just won’t intersect.

she opens her eyes to see
the images turning gray and blurry.
she allows herself a pinprick to feel,
still everything doesn’t feel real.

come night, as soon as her eyes close,
her mind travels instantly
into another world, another universe,
a world her soul craves for hungrily.

psychedelic colors around her twirl
mountains, skyscrapers combine in a swirl.
there, everything is for her to feel,
in her world, everything is just so real.

but mornings come, they always do;
and again she stirs, opens her eyes,
another day to go through
the motions that she so despises.

once again standing there watching by,
entirely disconnected yet uncannily calm.
she never really needed to wonder why,
she lives, dwells in another realm.

entirely disconnected, seeing things from afar,
she stares placidly til the day is done.
night time comes, a welcome refuge,
and then she’s gone…instantly she’s gone.

talk to me about the craziness of kismet
talk to me about the inner workings of fate
talk about what really brought us here
talk about both our minds’ current state.

tell me about bad luck and karma,
tell me about getting back at someone.
tell me it’s a vicious cycle and it’s useless,
tell me it’ll just put me back to square one.

speak to me of destiny, of what’s in store
speak of things to look forward to in the future.
speak to me of the reason behind all of this,
i won’t question you on how you can be so sure.

speak to me about angst, about anger,
speak to me of suffering and never-ending pain
speak to me about how hard it truly is
to just live on and on and still getting no gain.

talk to me about dreaming for more
talk about going for the top, gunning for gold.
tell me when to stop, tell me to listen,
tell me when to quit and do as i’m told.

speak to me of joy and of sadness,
nothing short of depression and of gladness.
speak to me, no more, no less,
of the thin line between sanity and madness.

talk about the silly connivance of things,
talk about weird and uncanny circumstances.
talk about the most foolish things, and scold me,
i seem to be doing those in recurring instances.

talk to me, tell me about something;
speak to me of nothing and of everything.
i resign myself from now on to listening,
just talk to me, speak to me, i’m begging.

written on account of my realization that i may be driving away the people around me with my nonstop blabbering about everything that comes to my mind. you see i don’t normally open up, but when i find someone i am entirely comfortable with, someone i can tell those itsy-bitsy pieces of nutty thoughts i sometimes have, i just can’t stop. i’m really sorry if i do interrupt you when you’re talking about something. it’s not intentional and i mean well. and well, that’s just how i am.

standstill it seems where we are.
crossroads, doubts, uncertainties.
the happy days seem indeed so far.
feels so shattering, feels like love is war.
we may both end up with scars,
feels like we may never reach the stars.

standstill i am but drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but it feels like i’m hanging.
silence between us but it’s deafening.
happy we seem but not rejoicing.

at this confusing point we stand,
like always I’m holding your hand.
i’m missing the jitters
i’m missing the exhilaration.
somehow I’m missing everything,
everything i have had with you.

but when i glimpsed to my side
you’re still with me i come to see
makes it easier for me to decide
whether or not to stay by your side.

all things leave me as i am
clueless, stupid, useless
coz I don’t know if you still want me.

love is like war.
sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t.
but still the same
we both end up with scars.

yell at me.

be furious.

get angry.

coz I’m useless…
stupid…
worthless…

i am no good to you.

but then i have summoned enough courage
to say i still want you
and you’re still the one.

standstill i am but i’m drowning.
i fall flat to the ground but i’m still falling.
silence sure is deafening…

standstill.
standstill, idle we linger…
until i know if you still want me.

standstill.
standstill, idle we remain…
until i know if i’m still the one.

tell me, am i still the one?

I wish I could have been prepared
Once and again I had told myself
If only I could accept what has befallen
If only I could see  Ewas my heart you’d taken.
Light and swift you were
And I wasn’t even a bit aware
I had fallen for you before I knew
I had fallen, I concealed that it was true.
I longed to see you
I craved to be with you
I’d have waited in the hallway all day
I’d have begged you to stay.
But cruel fate had it for me,
When, on my sleeve, I once wore my heart.
Twas that you were cruel as any could be
Twas that only nonchalant words you could impart.
I wish I could have been forewarned
Once and again I had told myself
If only I could accept what has befallen
If only I could see  Ewas my heart you’d broken.
Time I spent to get away from you
Time I wasted to get back at you
But you didn’t even care a thing about me
You don’t even give a tiny damn about me.
What fool was I to let myself be like this E
Just for someone utterly worthless?
What fool were you to let me go?
I could have loved you with all my soul!
Now time I spend to seek myself
Time I spend to see you’re not the one for me.
Now time I spend to toughen myself
Time I spend to unfasten the hold you have on me.
I wish I could face you now
My heart devoid of all pain and inhibition
I wish I could tell you somehow
My heart is healed from all your painful infliction.
I wish I could let you go
Without the hatred and accusation
I wish I could let you go
Without telling you I could have loved you with all my soul!